Sunday, February 15, 2015

I Need to Figure Me Out Before I Get a Boyfriend.

When I was 16 I started random crying. I mean I could be going on a walk, taking a shower, doing school work and I would just cry. This went in for about two year, but it did become more consistent the second year with me crying everyday on the way home from school. I spent years suppressing emotions and then after my car wreck it all came out. That is how I feel right now like I held everything from the last few years in and it is all coming out.

I was up crying in my bed around midnight (about a week ago) and I realized something I am not alright. I am not alright that relationship have ended with lies and cheating. I am not alright that family can’t look me in the face and just say they messed up. I am not alright that I can count the people I truly trust on one hand. I am heartbroken that I used to trust please until they gave me reason not to, but now I want for a reason to trust. I am heartbroken that I cannot believe that someone is going to love me. I am devastated that family walked away, friends were hollow, and lovers were liars. I am devastated because I have no idea how to fix this.

I am very tired of saying it’s alright, and it’s not. So many have come and gone in my life some good and some bad. It feels like all the bad just left broken pieces and I have to put it to together and hope when I am done what is left is beautiful. I am grateful of the people who have come into my life, but I am beyond frustrated. I am going to admit this to myself so I can put myself together. I deserve better and I need to start believing that, so I can figure out what I am looking for. Be who I was before all the pain hit and people were not worth trusting. It is very tiring waiting for the worst to happen.

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Shakirah is a single mom to a 5 year old. She is a blogger, teacher, and graduate student. Her goal is to bring a more positive and realistic look into the lives of single mothers.

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