“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
The first thing my doctor said to me when I was in therapy was “if it was not for the fact that you are pregnant I would give you medication right now.” I had always wonder what anxiety felt like up until that day. How did someone really know something was wrong? When I was pregnant I was somewhat hard to be around, I wanted to be left alone to sort through my thoughts, emotions, and memories. There was a select group of people who I stayed the same with, but for others my temper got short and I withdrew. I stopped giving of myself so I could somehow get some kind of control of my day to day life.
"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength."
The first response I had when I got pregnant was heartbreak, I thought I am going to bring a child into the world and have nothing to give. I was not going to be able to give more then what I had gotten in life, and what I got I would not give. This is not to say I am not blessed to have had great siblings, but my memories of my childhood are of being scared, over looked, not good enough, a mistake. I thought that is what I am going to give my child, and I avoided shopping for baby items as long as I could, and I cried up until a few weeks before Noah was born. However, after he was born I was whole, I found something in myself that was better, that pushed me for better.
"The soul is healed by being with children."
I always thought that the way I changed when I got pregnant was due to hormones and anxiety I had about becoming a mother, and I am realizing that was not the whole case. I am back right there to when I found out I was pregnant, crying, worried, wanting to find a place in the world to just hide. It has taken me a while to realize what is wrong and now that I do I am not sure of what to do. All I do know is I cannot stay in this mindset, there is no place I can take Noah and hide from life. Noah and the world deserves more of me then what I am becoming.
"Fall seven times stand up eight."