Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Worst Year of My Life and What I learned.

 I am listing to/watching: Troye Sivan “Lost boy”
Mood: loved, tired, hungry
Time:10:10 am


I read this quote and it got me thinking back on life, and how much I have grown.

“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.” ― Aldous Huxley

I had a very rough start to say the least, I have never felt settled. Like I have a home, or that something is solid. When I was 16 I had what can be seen as the worst year of my life, I have never seen so many things come to head the way that year did.


My mother and I used to watch Law and Order together, which was our thing. My mother and I have never had a relationship Hallmark would write a film about. We have never been really close, I do not tell her everything, I do not run to her when s**t hits the fan.

When I was 16 (and a half) my mother got this GREAT idea (sarcasm) that we should move to WestPoint Georgia, and live in a three bedroom, one bath house (after we lived in a motel room for a few weeks). Now they’re were 5 adults and anywhere from 4 to 9 children in that house. The house was not what I would call solid, it felt old and like it was going to fall apart. Anyways, I was in a car wreck earlier that year so my walking was still not great (had a limp and my knee would give out), and now I was in a house where NO child had a room. Needless to say I was depressed, but getting back on point.

I would go as long as week without taking a shower, I would not take a shower because it was so many people just coming and going in the house. I would only shower if my twin would stand outside and watch the bathroom door. After I yelled at my mother (I never do that) about having to live in that house, one of the women in the house brought up that I was acting like someone had touched me. That is when my mother told me what happened. 


I had been molested as a child and she thought that I would be okay, because I did not remember. Do you know what went through my mind in that moment? Law and Order: SVU, we watched that show every week and she never thought to bring it up. She never thought it might be a good idea to talk to me about this earlier or maybe get me some help? I was not a very social child, and I had a lot of issues with men period. My mother got with my little sister father when I was 4 and I never felt okay with living with him. Can you imagine being scared to live with your little sister father?

What I learned the very hard way is, you cannot just cover up what is ugly and think it just goes away. Just because something is not remembered does not mean it is not felt. I learned in that moment that to heal you have to know what needs healing. I spent so many years trying to put a band-aid on the problem. It took me another two years before I would even talk about what happened, and another two after that before I started stepping outside of my safe world. My mother and I still do not have a rainbows and butterflies kind of a relationship but it is better.

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Shakirah
Shakirah

Shakirah is a single mom to a 5 year old. She is a blogger, teacher, and graduate student. Her goal is to bring a more positive and realistic look into the lives of single mothers.

22 comments:

  1. I'm sorry this happened to you! I don't have a great relationship with my mom either. I'm glad that things are a little better anyway.

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    1. Thank you, and I am sorry you and your mother are not close.

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  2. This does sound like a horrible year. Hopefully (as the headline implies) you are moving on from this. If you can ever move on? At least hopefully you are processing it. It certainly seems that way to me. You are so strong.

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    1. Thank you, and yes I have moved very far from that point in time.

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  3. Thank you for being so open about your situation. I love this quote: "to heal you have to know what needs healing." Keep being strong lady. I hope this year is amazing for you.

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    1. Thank you, me too. :)

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  4. While that does sound like a horrible year, it seems like it was necessary, too. Without learning that about yourself, it would have been impossible to come to grips with what happened to you. I'm sorry you had to deal with it.
    I know that things affect you even if you don't remember them. My oldest son has many issues leftover from being in the hospital as an infant. He doesn't remember any of it, but he still reacts to things because of what happened to him.

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    1. I am sorry to hear that. It is amazing how are minds can hold onto something when we cannot even remember it.

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  5. You are such a strong, amazing woman. Thanks for sharing your insights- your writing is so engaging and beautiful. You've had major struggles in your life and dealt with really hard things. Thank you again!

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  6. Iman, sorry to hear about what happened to you as a child. I am sure it takes a lot of courage for you to be able to write about it here. You really are a BRAVE one! Hope that past of yours is not affecting you in anyway, not in the present or in the future!

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    1. Thank you, I have a few issues I m thinking I m not going to be 100% rid of the situation. However, I am happy.

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  7. I love this! Nothing is gained by covering up the ugly - it has a way of showing itself eventually. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope this year is a better one for you!

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  8. Some years are really tough but facing what it was and learning from it helps us move on. Wishing you a great 2016!

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  9. So much truth in this post! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing with the world!

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    1. Thank you for reading.

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  10. Thank you for sharing your story! That does sound like the worst year ever with so many truths coming out. I'm happy you were able to pull a lesson out of the mess, and I'm also glad you're healing from it all.

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  11. What a difficult time for you, sometimes life really throws in some rubbish. I will say however you write very well.

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